The Coming of the Light
Following the return of standard time here, the stretch from November to February is dark. For us, it means we wake up in the dark, we go to work in the dark and we come home in the dark. This time period is what gives this area the nickname “The Wet Coast”. It pours here, more often than not, and it is cold and uncomfortable to go out at lunch. So I often don’t. I’ll go down to the staff room and read or watch an episode of Fringe (or take a nap especially if the Poptart has been up at night). This is the reason I didn’t wean off Zoloft late last year and my doctor gave me a 6 month prescription. His exact words were, “Get through the dark. Spring is a much better time to wean.”
Recently, I’ve been noticing that, since daylight savings, and moreso since the beginning of March, it’s been getting light earlier and staying light longer. I now walk to the train (usually in the rain) with a great deal more light than the last few months. And when I get home, it’s not really dark at all. I’m also down to about half a prescription (6 weeks or so) on my Zoloft; after that I have to go back to the doctor for more. And then I have to tell him that I don’t want to go off Zoloft. Let me explain.
The truth of the matter, is that I feel better than I’ve felt in years. I’m getting better sleep and even when I don’t because the Poptart decides to party from 1am to 4am on a work night, I don’t melt into a weeping mess or have panic attacks. I don’t get all panicky about things like money and I’m able to think through issues logically, even when I’m absolutely exhausted. Before, it was a balance: I needed at least 8 hours of sleep every night, preferably more. Oh and I needed that glass or three of wine every night. It was worse while I was pregnant and nursing because, hey, no wine, and only small amounts while nursing. I also quit smoking completely when I found out I was pregnant, yet the cravings didn’t go away; I didn’t start up again after having the Poptart, mainly out of sheer stubbornness. Once the Zoloft kicked in, I didn’t crave nicotine any more (and there is some research that shows antidepressants can help some people quit smoking). Wine is something I can now enjoy a glass of (instead of a bottle).
In other words, I think I’m experiencing better living through pharmaceuticals. And I don’t want to give it up. The light is coming, but for me, it’s already here, in the form of a small pill.
* * * *
I wrote the above paragraphs some time ago and then forgot about it because we had an extended winter. It was something like the Wettest April Ever and on track to be the Coldest May In The History of Weather Record Keeping. And it was still dark. And cold. And I was really stressed at work. I had a couple of episodes where I Completely Lost It when my anxiety flared up. I was pulling 60-70 hour weeks for awhile and it was just not working. I missed my family. I was sick off and on (more on) with three bouts of stomach flu since Christmas (the last one I ended up at the ER so they could give me a shot of gravol/immodium so I could keep something in me), ear/throat/sinus infection and 10 days of antibiotics, and allergies.
And then my manager pulled me into her office for making a couple of typo errors (on dates) and not scanning a really long email that had some information in it that I needed. I ended up asking a question that was already answered in that email (although when I talked to the person, there was a different answer). I explained that I was burned out and that I was trying my best. Then she asked me why I was burned out and what she could do to help me. When I asked a week later for a day off, she denied it and suggested a different date since we were low staffed, but had functioned with fewer people before.
ANYWAYS.
And the prospect of dropping Zoloft scared the bejeezus out of me – especially since I nearly broke down in her office.
So I went back to my doctor, told him I wasn’t ready to wean off and that I liked myself a whole lot better on the Zoloft than off. He shrugged and wrote me a prescription for another 6 months, and said, “If you’re not ready, that’s okay. There are people who have been taking antidepressants for years ever since Prozac came out. And they’re fine – better, in fact than when they don’t take it. At some point, you can try going down to 25 mg (from 50), and see how that goes. If you want.”
And I think the best part is, he’s leaving it entirely up to me. There’s no pushing to go off Zoloft. There’s no need for me to advocate for myself because he is helpful.
And now, I am recovering. I feel a lot better than I did because I’m finally getting restful sleep. The restful sleep started when he wrote me that refill. Now that the push is over (for now – there will be another one in June/July) I can relax at night instead of getting wound up about work.
Then I found out my accountant had screwed up on my taxes and we had plans for that money and HELLO, anxiety attack. Really. It’s fixed now, but it took me two full days to recover from that attack. And now that I’m past that, it’s a good thing I have my little yellow pill.
I’m not really sure how to end this, so I’ll just leave it dangling, and if you like, you can comment on various things:
- Do you have a doctor that listens to you?
- How do you advocate for yourself if you don’t have a regular doctor, or one that doesn’t really listen to you?
- How do you get through high-stress periods?
Post-Partum Depression, Depression and Living
A year ago, I dragged myself to the doctor to deal with post-partum depression (PPD) which manifested as anger and anxiety. Honestly, it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. The thought that you’re not in control of your own mind is something else. Coupled with the anxiety, it was a good recipe for now-daily panic attacks.
I knew I was a good candidate for PPD – depression runs in my family. My dad was diagnosed as clinically depressed years ago. He was put on Effexor which helped him, and at that point it was the antidepressant of the day. It’s also one of the strongest ones out there and the one of the hardest to get off. When he found this out, he weaned himself off, saying, “I don’t want another monkey on my back.”
His medication of choice, by the way, is scotch: two drinks before dinner.
Honestly, I think it was more the idea that he wasn’t in control of his own mind that scared him off.
And it’s here that we get to the difference between “mind” and “brain.” The way my doctor explained it was it was largely a biochemical reaction – brain chemistry is out of balance and Zoloft helps regain that balance.
For years, I had suffered “episodes”: I’d have a day, or two, or three, or seven where I just wasn’t motivated, was sad and just couldn’t deal with life. Then I’d go and sleep for about 12 hours and I’d be better for a while. “Awhile” varied: it could be months, weeks, or a day. And I thought this was how people lived their lives – that everyone needed a reset once in a while. Because for me, this was normal – at least since my mid-teens. As I got older, another coping mechanism became wine: for about a year before getting pregnant, it was not unusual for me to have a glass or two, or three at night after work. Once in a while, I expect this is okay – but when it’s every day, it starts becoming a problem.
And then I got pregnant, gave up wine and had a baby.
Until I gave birth, sleeping was my coping mechanism. Diet too, but more sleeping. This was fine and doable when I didn’t have a baby, but with the sleep deprivation of new parenthood, I went into a downwards spiral until one day I was driving home and considered plowing the car into a concrete median just so that the responsibility would be someone else’s. That afternoon I called my doctor.
A month later, the cloud lifted. A year later, I feel better than I have felt in years. I have mental clarity, focus and my drive is coming back. I have the occasional mini-episode, but they’re not debilitating like they used to be and are often fixable with a walk or a swim rather than having to sleep for 12 hours or take a day off work. For me, the answer is one pill, once a day before bed.
So what am I saying? If you think you need help, you might. It probably can’t hurt to go ask. And it’s okay – it’s not your mind. It’s a biochemical reaction in your brain. Like Katie said when I came out about this, “If you were diabetic, you’d take insulin, right?”
Author’s Note: I wrote this yesterday, before this twitterstorm about this article on AOL. The really offensive comment has been removed since the twitterstorm. Basically the expert they asked said that post-partum depression is situational, and people get depressed because they can’t hack their situation. When she was called out she actually responded that all depression is situational:
Generally speaking, I don’t buy the chemical imbalance theory for any depression; I believe people just don’t want to deal with real life issues and the fact that sometimes life is simply depressing and damn difficult. It isn’t about chemical imbalance but tough times and our own issues.
(Shamelessly stolen from Pretty Babies’ post, linked above)
And it is attitudes like that, from other women no less, that make it necessary for us to speak out, and not give depression the power it has had through silence. It’s time to break the stigma, like I said above. Depression is chemical. Some people benefit from counseling, other from anti-depressants, and some people need both.
If you want to read more about this, Her Bad Mother has been far more eloquent on the subject than I ever could be; she takes my “depression sucks, but you can get better and it’s okay to ask for help” and gives it a voice that can be heard all over the internet.
Given it was a year ago yesterday that I finally overcame my own prejudices and asked for help, and this occurred today, I felt I had to chime in. Because I’m fairly certain that for me, it wasn’t only post-partum depression – it was an ongoing depression. That pill I take every night makes me a better mother, and a better person because I’m not so wrapped up in my own misery I can’t focus on anything else.
And for people out there that want to think otherwise, go ahead, think it. But this is what works for me and my family. This is what helps me go beyond existing to living.
You can still enter my A&D Diaper Rash Products giveaway here
