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Nicole Elle

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Open Letters

Dear Universe: You Win at June

My horoscopes today:

Avoid wild schemes and get into homebody mode. There may be a conflict between work and home.  – 24 Hours Vancouver

If you find yourself up against forces that are difficult to cope with, then it may be wise to back off. – Vancouver Metro

Dear Universe:

I give. You win this month.

Last week was hellish what with Incidents At Work that Resulted In Me Crying In My Manager’s Office in front of TWO managers, my mom’s fucking cancer operation, my toddler spiking Random Fevers and Darren doing what he does best (Being A Man, that is, in the sense that he Just Didn’t Understand Why I Was Upset).

Did I mention I also forgot my Zoloft a couple of times last week?

And this week has been just as bad and It’s Only Tuesday. Yesterday, I drove in to work in rush hour because I had an evening meeting, only to find out when I got to work that they had cancelled the meeting.

At 3pm.

On Sunday.

Double-you tee eff, Universe? Who does that?

Which means I had to drive home in rush hour. With everyone else who was rushing home to see the Canucks win the Stanley Cup have a complete and utter meltdown. But let’s not talk about the Canucks. It’s too damn depressing

And this morning. OMG. This morning. Which actually started last night..

Note to toddler: It was great you tried to pee on the toilet. Now, go to bed earlier than 10:30.

And this morning. OMG. Yet Another Random Toddler Fever meaning she is clinging to mom like glue and half asleep but not wanting to be put down. This would explain the lack of going to bed last night, I think.

Which means I have my laptop with a partially charged battery, no ebook reader and a partially charged cel phone and no charging cables for any of them, because they are in my Other Bag. And no pen to do the crossword because that is also in my other bag.

And just to top it off, Universe, you had to close the train doors just as I got to the platform.

:headdesk: :facepalm:

You win. Can we stop now?

Best,

Nicole

PS – I just found my laptop cables in the bottom of my bag. Good start at redeeming this month, Universe.

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Open Letter to my Cable Provider: Practice What You Preach

Dear Shaw Cablesystems:

I remember when you were the only show in town for cable. Back in those good ol’ bad days, we had no choice but prices were reasonable for cable, largely because there were some intelligent folks out at the Canadian Telecommunications and Radio Commission (CRTC) that prevented you from arbitrarily changing the cost of cable.

When you came out with high-speed internet, I went with you instead of Telus/BC Tel for ADSL. It, quite frankly, was awesome.

Now you’re no longer the only show in town. Telus provides digital TV as well. Okay, we don’t have digital cable, but I have been a good customer for a couple of decades. Yet every year, I see my cable/internet bill go up and the number of programs I get on my basic cable seems to keep dropping. I’m out of the house for 12 or more hours per day, at least 5 days per week, so I don’t get to use the cable all that much. When I do, it’s primetime programming. Primetime! Wooo!

BUT a lot of the channels broadcast the same program because the same feed will be broadcast on both an American channel and a Canadian channel. So I’m basically paying twice for the same program.

Then there’s the point where you encourage me to get my bills electronically, and because I hate having too much paper around, I do. Once a month, I get an email from you to my Shaw webmail account advising my bill is ready.

The funny part? More often than not, your own spam filter catches that email and dumps it in my junk mail folder.

You encourage me to do this because it is environmentally friendly and The Right Thing To Do To Save The Environment.

Add to that that we only check our mailbox about once a week, and it’s just easier.

My problem is, you need to practice what you preach. Every month, I get at least two, if not more invitations to switch to Shaw phone service. IN MY MAILBOX. Printed on bright white paper (although it’s made of 30% recycled paper products). Oh, and I get offers in my inbox, which oddly enough are never tagged as junk mail even though they are.

So every month, you’re mailing me a piece of paper in a sealed envelope (which is made of 100% recycled paper fibre). Plus all the unaddressed brochures I get in my mailbox that just go straight into the recycling bin. Then let’s add in the carbon footprint from our mailperson running around in her van (because we live in a rural-ish area) and you get a whole lot of environmental impact.

So I guess I know where my fee increases are going: to buy more paper so you can try to get me to buy other services. Hey! I have an idea! How about you lower my cable fee (because you’re basically charging me twice for the same cable feed a lot of the time) and stop sending me advertising for services I’m not interested in because you’re charging me too much already?

You proclaim to be environmentally responsible, yet I doubt this sort of advertising is either environmentally or financially sustainable.

Tell you what: you stop sending me so much junk mail (which will result in lower rates because you’re overcharging by a massive amount anyways and you won’t have to buy so many paper products) and I’ll think about getting more services from you.

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Open Letters: People on the Train

Dear Weird Guy:

Yes, I was sitting in “your” seat with my bag on the seat next to me. No, I couldn’t believe that you actually asked me to move my by so you could sit next to me. The reason I looked you dead in the eye and said, “Really?” was because there were (a) two seats across from me, (b) the quad of seats behind me and (c) two quads of seats across the aisle, all free.

Of course, if not getting “your” seat throws off your day that much, all the power to you. Enjoy.

Hugs.

Nicole

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Dear Sleeping Lady on the Other Side of the table:

When you get on the train and the two seats across from another person are free, the unspoken etiquette rule is to sit diagonally across from the person there. That way, we can both stretch our legs out and we both might be able to walk when we get to the last stop.

Instead, you’re sitting across from me, snoring and you obviously didn’t brush your teeth this morning, but you had time to put on makeup? I don’t want to get close enough to you to find out if you put deodorant on – all the more reason to sit on the diagonal from whoever is there first.

Smell you later,

Nicole

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Dear Guy at the Train Station on his Crackberry:

I would really like to know who you talk to at 6:40am every single morning. Once in awhile, I can understand, but who the hell is awake at 6:40am every single day to talk to you? And such language! My delicate ears, they burn!

Don’t fucking swear,

Nicole

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Dear Considerate Man on the Canada Line

That ankle looked like it hurt and it was great the woman next to me gave up her seat for you. That alone would have made my day, but the fact that you made the effort to say, “Have an awesome week” to her as she exited made it even better.

Cheers,

Nicole

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You can still enter my A&D Diaper Rash Products giveaway here

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