Following the return of standard time here, the stretch from November to February is dark. For us, it means we wake up in the dark, we go to work in the dark and we come home in the dark. This time period is what gives this area the nickname “The Wet Coast”. It pours here, more often than not, and it is cold and uncomfortable to go out at lunch. So I often don’t. I’ll go down to the staff room and read or watch an episode of Fringe (or take a nap especially if the Poptart has been up at night). This is the reason I didn’t wean off Zoloft late last year and my doctor gave me a 6 month prescription. His exact words were, “Get through the dark. Spring is a much better time to wean.”

Recently, I’ve been noticing that, since daylight savings, and moreso since the beginning of March, it’s been getting light earlier and staying light longer. I now walk to the train (usually in the rain) with a great deal more light than the last few months. And when I get home, it’s not really dark at all. I’m also down to about half a prescription (6 weeks or so) on my Zoloft; after that I have to go back to the doctor for more. And then I have to tell him that I don’t want to go off Zoloft. Let me explain.

The truth of the matter, is that I feel better than I’ve felt in years. I’m getting better sleep and even when I don’t because the Poptart decides to party from 1am to 4am on a work night, I don’t melt into a weeping mess or have panic attacks. I don’t get all panicky about things like money and I’m able to think through issues logically, even when I’m absolutely exhausted. Before, it was a balance: I needed at least 8 hours of sleep every night, preferably more. Oh and I needed that glass or three of wine every night. It was worse while I was pregnant and nursing because, hey, no wine, and only small amounts while nursing. I also quit smoking completely when I found out I was pregnant, yet the cravings didn’t go away; I didn’t start up again after having the Poptart, mainly out of sheer stubbornness. Once the Zoloft kicked in, I didn’t crave nicotine any more (and there is some research that shows antidepressants can help some people quit smoking). Wine is something I can now enjoy a glass of (instead of a bottle).

In other words, I think I’m experiencing better living through pharmaceuticals. And I don’t want to give it up. The light is coming, but for me, it’s already here, in the form of a small pill.

* * * *

I wrote the above paragraphs some time ago and then forgot about it because we had an extended winter. It was something like the Wettest April Ever and on track to be the Coldest May In The History of Weather Record Keeping. And it was still dark. And cold. And I was really stressed at work. I had a couple of episodes where I Completely Lost It when my anxiety flared up. I was pulling 60-70 hour weeks for awhile and it was just not working. I missed my family. I was sick off and on (more on) with three bouts of stomach flu since Christmas (the last one I ended up at the ER so they could give me a shot of gravol/immodium so I could keep something in me), ear/throat/sinus infection and 10 days of antibiotics, and allergies.

And then my manager pulled me into her office for making a couple of typo errors (on dates) and not scanning a really long email that had some information in it that I needed. I ended up asking a question that was already answered in that email (although when I talked to the person, there was a different answer). I explained that I was burned out and that I was trying my best. Then she asked me why I was burned out and what she could do to help me. When I asked a week later for a day off, she denied it and suggested a different date since we were low staffed, but had functioned with fewer people before.

ANYWAYS.

And the prospect of dropping Zoloft scared the bejeezus out of me – especially since I nearly broke down in her office.

So I went back to my doctor, told him I wasn’t ready to wean off and that I liked myself a whole lot better on the Zoloft than off. He shrugged and wrote me a prescription for another 6 months, and said, “If you’re not ready, that’s okay. There are people who have been taking antidepressants for years ever since Prozac came out. And they’re fine – better, in fact than when they don’t take it. At some point, you can try going down to 25 mg (from 50), and see how that goes. If you want.”

And I think the best part is, he’s leaving it entirely up to me. There’s no pushing to go off Zoloft. There’s no need for me to advocate for myself because he is helpful.

And now, I am recovering. I feel a lot better than I did because I’m finally getting restful sleep. The restful sleep started when he wrote me that refill. Now that the push is over (for now – there will be another one in June/July) I can relax at night instead of getting wound up about work.

Then I found out my accountant had screwed up on my taxes and we had plans for that money and HELLO, anxiety attack. Really. It’s fixed now, but it took me two full days to recover from that attack. And now that I’m past that, it’s a good thing I have my little yellow pill.

I’m not really sure how to end this, so I’ll just leave it dangling, and if you like, you can comment on various things:

• Do you have a doctor that listens to you?
• How do you advocate for yourself if you don’t have a regular doctor, or one that doesn’t really listen to you?
• How do you get through high-stress periods?